Crank up Avril Lavigne’s Complicated, though that song has nothing do with what I’m blogging about today, but does as far as reflecting on my parts of my life living and working in the land down under, where women roar (?) apparently.  The latter being an understatement, Peter Garrett.

It’s days like the one I had yesterday, the day before and the day before that, that I wish I was at sea like I was when I was 16 and 17 years old.

I have way too much time on my hands these days.

Having said that …

Last night, and without a sheila tucked under my arms, I watched a Lord of the Rings movie for the first time. It was the only thing on TV worth watching at a time I was looking for something to do to fill the time I had on my hands before going to bed on a Friday night. The storyline was good, but it took a long time a story to get to the end of the story. The “Return of the King” story could have been told a lot faster than it was.

Nothing like nodding off during what is supposed to be a good movie.

Like I said, Lord of the Rings: Return of the King had a good storyline to follow, but it took way too long to tell it.

My story, if it was told in a movie, would probably take a long time to tell too.

I’m glad I didn’t waste 20 bucks to see the movie in theatre surrounded by people coughing, hacking, talking and farting.  A lot of people on this planet did though. The fools.

Anyway, while I was watching that flick there was shit happening around the world that could be turned into a movie I suppose, or maybe told in a song.

Let me tell you about some of the shite that I’ve learned has happened on this planet before and after the “after the movie” credits for the story I watch unfold on television last night,  started.

Two drunk Russians in Siberia cut of their own ears after arm wrestling.  Apparently it was their way of celebrating an Orthodox Christmas. If memory me serves me well, I seem to recall celebrating a couple or three Orthodox Christmas with my Ukrainian de facto and her family in Foam Lake, Saskatchewan back in the day.

I think I even recall spending most of one Orthodox Christmas Day at a hospital in Regina. My live-with girlfriend’s brother-in-law maybe faking a heart attack to garner sympathy. He would later go to jail for molesting his two daughters. The sick bastard.

FYI — No turkey or ham for Christmas dinner when you do Christmas the Ukrainian way.

So anyway, the two Russians from Kemerovoa agreed that the loser in an arm wrestling match must cut off his ear. After two matches each man had won one. Both men cut off their left ears, as they should have, after all a bets a bet.  It doesn’t matter that after two matches they were tied.

It was all about the loser of those matches cutting of his ear.

Then there’s the story about a guy in the Northern Terriroties, Australia who, had a bigger cockroach than the ones you find in Canada, making a nest in his ear. Cockroaches can get big in Australia and you don’t only find them in filthy homes. Cockroaches can be found anywhere in the land down under, and you know what else, they have wings too.

I’ve seen some flying fish here too. I only saw it once, but when I was on the Indian Ocean’s Eighty Mile Beach, the cattle station dog, a boxer, took to chasing them. I remember cringing at the prospect of a shark or some other Indian Ocean predator getting that dog while it was chasing flying fish.

I’m sure its owner, my boss, had similar concerns.

Anyway, the guy with the cockroach in his ear is going to be okay, if only because he did something about it before it burrowed its way to his  brain.

I used to have a friend in Australia who was bitten on his balls by a redback spider while he was sleeping. The bite on his balls didn’t kill him but apparently it hurt.

An Australian tennis champion whose last name is Hewitt is in trouble. He’s up on rape charges in South Africa.  No its not Lleyton Hewitt.

And in horse racing news, and Australians are very big punters when it comes to horseracing, the Magic Millions is happening. That event attracts big bucks from very, very rich people who want to be a future Melbourne Cup winner.

Gai Waterhouse forked out a million bucks on a horse she hopes makes her 10 times that amount in the future. Isn’t she a risk taker, eh? If I had her money I could be a Canadian living but not working in Australia until my corpse is turned into ashes.

Millions of dollars exchanges hands at the race horse auction sale.